This morning’s meditation, 20 minutes, was fruitful. A bit of breathing, mantra, and detaching was just what I needed. Lately I’ve been feeling this urge to hold on to my life dearly. I want to exist in the good things forever. I want to possess the people around me who make me happy, because I don’t want things to change. Or I want to force a change that is not organic. And in that very attempt to hold on, control, possess, inhabit, I lose perspective and become trapped in the muck of emotion. It’s easy to forget that nothing is permanent. In fact, pretty much the only thing you can count on is change. And therein lies one of the real difficulties of being human – trying to welcome personal evolution, even if it hurts (and it almost always does,) and attempting to understand the impermanence of everything, right down to your own mortality. I can’t really control anything, anyone, or expect that things will be the same tomorrow. Endings, transitions, and difficult moments can be honored as part of the larger cycle of this amazing life we’ve been given.
What can I learn from being down in the emotional mucky muck? I can try to recognize and break the patterns that I’ve repeated that are no longer serving me. These samskara, or life scars, create the lens through which I see the world. By practicing asana, meditation, pranayama, and mantra, I try to lift myself to clarity, to a state of detachment – so that I am not so clouded by emotion. I still have a long way to go for a clear lens. My goal is to experience the truth and joy of each moment, without judgement or expectation. To give to others and to myself, and to know it will all come to an end eventually- and be okay with that. I want to live with my heart open, not closed in on itself, protective and fearful of being hurt. I want to simply BE without so much thinking. The moment we are in right now is all there is.